I Got So Many Push Notifications They Literally Pushed Me Over A Cliff And I Died
I have never cared, nor will I ever care, that someone has a work anniversary.
I know you don’t believe me, dear reader, but I’m writing this from the great beyond. I need to warn you about the dangers of push notifications. Sure, these bubbles popping up all over your phone seem innocent, but be warned that they’re out to get you… just like they were out to get me.
I used to be on my smartphone all day long, just like each of you, avoiding eye contact with strangers while reading trashy clickbait articles from George Takei’s Facebook feed. Little did I know that my life would change instantly one day… the day I got so many push notifications they literally pushed me over a cliff and I died.
I know it’s hard to believe that my push notifications literally absconded off my phone screen, bundled themselves together and pushed me off a 2,000-meter edge. But I assure you, all you need to do is look at the string of notifications notifying me that some creeper went back in time and liked 50 of my old Facebook photos to know that this is A CONSPIRACY.
The problem, my friend, is that marketers looooooooove push notifications. The look at open rates and track activity from people who use them and say, “This is a good thing!” instead of the listening to all the people shouting “Holy fucking shit I swear I checked all of my notifications like six times, WHY THE FUCK is this red dot still showing on my phone!??”